Leg Post 54
Leg Post 54 opens during the Classical Era in the kingdom of Ethiopia where Britt the Builder, a travelling European, has finally managed to build the palace extension commissioned by King Cepheus after five times of falling down. In Britt's honour, the king holds a banquet where Britt shares the high table with the king, his wife, Queen Cassiopeia, and their daughter, Andromeda. The queen claims that Andromeda is the most beautiful creature in existence. Cepheus wants her to marry Britt but both Andromeda and Cassiopeia refuse. When Britt himself also refuses, however, Cassiopeia feels insulted as she cannot understand how a heterosexual man could refuse Andromeda's beauty. When she further claims that Andromeda is more beautiful than all of the gods and the magical beings, including the nerieds of the sea, Poseidon arrives. He kills the guards and approaches the table to judge Andromeda's beauty for himself. He, unexpectedly, agrees that Andromeda is the most beautiful woman in the world but then decides that he would have sex with her. When Cassiopeia refuses to allow it, Poseidon boils the water in her body and she dies, much to the horror of everyone. To make it fun for himself, Poseidon gives the king the choice - allow him to take his daughter, or he would unleash the Cetus upon Ethiopia and turn the entire kingdom into a sea. Back in Greece, Perseus has set up his imagined kingdom of Mycenae with Medusa. Athena arrives to request their aid against Poseidon and they agree to travel to Ethiopia. Post To the far east of Africa lay the ancient kingdom of Ethiopia. Despite being as African as they come, the people of Ethiopia had some oddly Greek sounding names! King Cepheus was stood admiring the newest wing to his palace. This was the sixth year that he had had it constructed as, each year, the building fell down due to some oversight by the architect. The architect was a strange white man from Europe somewhere who went by the name Britt the Builder. He claimed to have learnt architecture from the gods themselves, though he didn't specify which of the gods had taught him. The design was marvellous with all of the grandeur any king could hope for. But each time there was some kind of problem that Britt the Builder had missed and the damned thing fell down, over and over. Cepheus and Britt stood outside. Waiting. Anticipating. But after a good twenty minutes they came to the conclusion that the wing was finally ready to stand on its own. Britt breathed a sigh of relief as his head had been on the line. The king was generally a weak-willed man who held a deep fear of the gods, which had kept Britt alive despite his constant failures. However, even a fear of the gods wouldn't have saved Britt from a sixth, incredibly expensive, failing. Britt slapped the king on the back with a grin, almost knocking the skinny man over. Britt: '"See? Told you I could do it! And six times built means it will be extra lucky! Or something like that." '''King Cepheus: '"I can't wait to take a dip in the pool!" 'Britt: '"Just let the slaves fill it up first." They turned to see a bunch of slaves running along with buckets of water. Britt expected it would take the better part of the day to fill it even half way up and then they'd have to activate the boiler underneath the wing to get the water nice and hot. '''King Cepheus: "Well, congratulations are in order. Britt, we will host a banquet in your honour!" Britt: "As long as there's lots of free food, count me in!" Later that evening the party is in full swing. The local elites of Ethiopia were at the event, musicians were hired and dancers were prancing about. Britt was gorging himself on the hippopotamus and crocodile meat, as well as eating out the shellfish - which he claimed would boost any man's libido, leading to several wives force-feeding it to their husbands. '' ''Britt was sat at the high table, a few seats down from the king himself. Next to the king was his first wife, Queen Cassiopeia. She was a beautiful woman with high cheekbones, a straight nose and long, straight hair that gave her a certain regal elegance that gave her a great deal of gravitas amongst the elites of Ethiopia. Her husband was tall but his skinny frame made him look like a walking skeleton and his beard was a wiry, scruffy affair. Despite his ragged appearance, he and his wife had produced an incredibly beautiful daughter. This fact was constantly propounded by her mother, who valued appearance as a woman's greatest asset. Cepheus believed a woman's greatest asset was the ability to leave him alone and never nag - unfortunately these were two of Cassiopeia's most common enjoyments. She would follow Cepheus around and constant badger him about whatever came to her head, while he continuously ignored her. Their daughter, on the other hand, showed a great deal of compassion and respect for others, managing to appeal to her father in small doses so that he enjoyed her company when it came and she did her best to listen to her mother's gossiping tongue whenever required. Her mother told her, during one of her many, lengthy tales, that she had been named after a nearby galaxy - Andromeda. Of course they didn't know what a galaxy was so they just assumed it was something pretty and impressive. Andromeda, however, secretly thought it might be the foreign word for something very unimpressive,'' like a potato, or a ferret, or a wet fart. She knew she would be mortified to discover her name was something gross, but at the same time she quietly chuckled to herself as she imagined it.'' Andromeda entered the room and swept across the floor towards the high table. She bowed her head to the honoured guest. Britt was an exciting figure to Andromeda as he had many great tales to tell. Unlike her mother's stories, which were always about herself and her immediate surroundings, Britt had epic tales of centuries ago and yet also claimed stories from the future, as though he were some kind of seer. He talked of strange vehicles, civilisations, people. When especially drunk he would start talking about the gods and how he wanted to put them all into a pot and boil them alive. She thought this quite strange since he seemed to also be favoured by the same gods he hated. It was as though he had some kind of very personal relationship with them that had sapped all reverence out of him. He seemed to have a particular frustration with Zeus, king of the Greek gods, who he wanted to tie his testicles to an angry goat and then ride the goat around a hippodrome. He also hated Jupiter for the very fact he shared a name with the planet. A planet Britt held a great hatred for after he claimed to have visited it and was accosted by a crazy woman who tried to feed him to another god named Marduk. It was all very engaging, even if Andromeda didn't believe a word of it. She fancied it would make a very exciting novel one day. She imagined several tablets of stone, side by side, written in Egyptian hieroglyphics. '' '''King Cepheus:' "So! I was thinking it would be a fine thing for Britt to wed our daughter!" Andromeda froze, her butt just inches from her seat. Britt choked on his wine and fell off his own seat. Cassiopeia's face bristled red and her eyes seemed to turn into balls of molten flame. Queen Cassiopeia: "You must be joking!? Wed our daughter to an architect!?" King Cepheus: "He is favoured by the gods, my dear! By extension we'd become favoured too!" Queen Cassiopeia: "But--! He's foreign!! He's--" She glanced down at Britt and then whispered to Cepheus. Queen Cassiopeia: "He's white!" King Cepheus just rolled his eyes. Andromeda: "I think I should get a say in this!" Queen Cassiopeia: '''"Don't worry, dear. You won't be marrying this lowly builder! You'll be marrying a prince of a nearby province." '''Andromeda: "What!? That's not-- I still want to make that choice myself!" Britt: '"Do I get to refuse?" ''There was a long silence and the three family members all turned to look at him, insulted. Britt gulped. '''Britt: "I'm just saying, you know, I'm not the marrying type." Queen Cassiopeia: "You would dare ''refuse my daughter!?" '''Andromeda:' "You don't want him to marry me, you said!" Queen Cassiopeia: "Incorrect! I don't want you ''to marry ''him! Of course he ''wants to marry ''you!" Britt: '"Well, actually, I don't. Sorry!" '''King Cepheus: '"Well I suppose that solves that. Oh well." 'Queen Cassiopeia: '"You--! You--!" '''Andromeda: "Mother, it's fine. What are you so angry for?" Queen Cassiopeia: '"Have you ''eyes!?" 'Britt: '"Yes..." 'Queen Cassiopeia: '"Can you not see that my daughter is the most beautiful creature in all of existence!?" 'Andromeda: '"Now that's just ridiculous." 'Queen Cassiopeia: '"She has beauty that could--" She stopped suddenly in thought. Then smiled. 'Queen Cassiopeia: '"Oooooooooooh. I'm sorry. I understand now." 'Britt: '"Thank the gods." 'Queen Cassiopeia: '"You're one of them!" '''Britt: "Uh? One of what?" Queen Cassiopeia: "I should have known. I have heard tales of these Greeks and their... ways." Britt: "Well, I'm actually Roman. But I have no idea what you're talking about." Andromeda: "Me neither." Queen Cassiopeia: '"He does not ''enjoy ''the company of... ladies." ''Britt's brain took a moment to process. '''Britt: "Oi! Are you suggesting I'm gay!?" Andromeda: '"What's gay?" ''Britt looked at her with concern then back to her mother. 'Queen Cassiopeia: '"It means he prefers the company of men!" '''Andromeda: "I think most men do. They go hunting together and drinking together." Queen Cassiopeia: '"No no. Not like that. I mean--" '''King Cepheus: '"She means he likes to be buggered!" 'Andromeda: '"GAH!" 'King Cepheus: '"He likes a good rodgering up the ar--" '''Queen Cassiopeia: "Some decorum, please! This is not a subject for polite conversation! Degenerates should be kept in the shadows. It's just unseemly." Britt: "Uh... right. Well I can't say I care about decorum much, nor do I care about who likes anal sex--" Andromeda: '"GAH!" '''Britt: '"But I can safely assert that I am not one. I enjoy intercourse with women only and only through the--" 'Andromeda: '"Can we please not discuss this? I am so embarrassed I think I'm going to faint." '''King Cepheus: "Nothing wrong with sex, my dear. We all do it! We are nothing but mammals, as they say!" Queen Cassiopeia: '"So you are attracted to women?" '''Britt: '"Yes. '''Queen Cassiopeia: "And you still ''don't want to marry my daughter!?" '''Britt: '"Oh, now I remember why we're talking about this." Queen Cassiopeia: '''"You disrespect me and my daughter in our own house!" '''Britt: "Not at--" Queen Cassiopeia: '"My daughter is ''the most beautiful woman in the world. Her beauty outstrips any of your ''Greek ''women by far!" '''Britt: "Roman." Queen Cassiopeia: '''"Even your ''gods ''pale in comparison!" '''King Cepheus: "Uh, I don't think you should--" Queen Cassiopeia: "Your Athena is nothing compared to the beauty of Andromeda! Your Hera is a hag compared to Andromeda! All of the gods and their magical children. The hesperides! The gorgons! The nereids of the sea! None can compare!!" Britt: "I really don't care about beauty as much as you--" BOOM! Britt: "Uh oh." Water blasted across the room from the centre, splashing everyone one and causing a ruckus. As the people of the court jumped to their feet they saw a man stood there. He was ten feet in height and he had blonde, curly hair on top of his head. His beard was shaved close to his face and kept trim and neat. His blue eyes were almost too blue and, upon close inspection, moved like the water currents. His chest was bare, much to the shock of many of the conservative Ethiopians, but had a long loincloth from his waist. His feet were also bare and beneath them bubbled water. He grinned at the high table. Poseidon: "I couldn't help but hear that you have the most beautiful woman in the world here at your table! More beautiful, even, than my nereids!" The queen hesitated. Andromeda tried to stop her from speaking but the woman was stubborn. Queen Cassiopeia: '"Yes! It is true! Andromeda is the most beautiful creature in all existence!" ''Poseidon approached the table. The guards suddenly rushed at him, their spears poised, but they all exploded in great splashes of water as though every cell of their bodies were suddenly transformed into liquid. The king sunk in his seat with horror and even the proud queen slunk back. Poseidon planted one hand on the table and grabbed Andromeda by the chin. He leered at her. 'Poseidon: '"Well then. Let's say... I agree!" The queen regained her composure. 'Queen Cassiopeia: '"Ha! Favoured even by the gods!" 'Poseidon: '"Indeed! And so, I shall have her!" He gave a wicked grin at the girl, who blanched. 'Britt: '"You're already married." '''Poseidon: "I didn't say I would marry the girl, did I?" Queen Cassiopeia: "Y-Y-You cannot! You shall not! She is not to be sullied!" Poseidon: "You dare tell a god what he can or cannot do!?" Queen Cassiopeia: "I--" The woman, for the first time, seemed to panic and every wall of stubbornness and arrogance was quickly falling. Britt: '"Please, leave them alone!" ''It was too late. Cassiopeia's skin bubbles and boiled. She screamed in terror and pain as the water in her body boiled and she was murdered by the god of the seas before the very eyes of her family and the people of Ethiopia. The people screamed and lamented, but were unable to escape the locked room. King Cepheus wailed as his wife's body slumped to the ground and Andromeda was locked in a state of absolute dread. Britt was silent, his eyes closed to shield himself from having to witness the brutal murder. Poseidon stretched, as though he had just woken up. '''Poseidon: "Good news for you, oh king, now you can get yourself a new wife!" He looked down at Cepheus, who was making himself as small as he could in his chair. The god smirked. Poseidon: '"Let's make this fun! By sunset tomorrow, you must sacrifice your daughter to me or I shall unleash the Cetus upon all of Ethiopia. The beast will ravage the land, slay the population and turn this landlocked country into a sea! Do you understand?" ''The king whined. Poseidon hammered his hand on the table. '''King Cepheus: "Yes! Yes!" Poseidon chuckled and snatched up a shellfish. He looked at Britt. Poseidon: "This is good for the libido, right? I think I'll be eating plenty of this before tomorrow evening! See you soon, Most-Beautiful-Woman-in-Existence." The god vanished, his body sucked into a single point like a miniature blackhole. The doors snapped open and, with the prospect of freedom, the people ran in fear. Cepheus looked down at his wife's remains with horror and sorrow in his eyes. He sobbed, unable to approach the mess that had once been his wife's body. Andromeda was still frozen in place. Britt rubbed his weary eyes. Britt: '"I hate gods." ---------- ''Elsewhere, Perseus has claimed a patch of land and declared it to be the kingdom of Mycenae. '''Medusa: "But it's just a field. Like a field of dead turnips at that." Perseus: "Live the dream, Medusa! One day...!" Athena: '"One day what?" '''Medusa: '"Whoa! Holy Christ, you scared the Jesus out of me!" Perseus stared at Medusa. '''Perseus: "Your sister lives inside ''you!?" '''Athena: '"Perseus, Medusa, I need you." Medusa: "Sorry, Athena, I don't lean that way." Athena: "What wa-- Ack! I didn't mean-- He's my brother anyway!" Perseus: "How many gods have actually married their brothers and sisters?" Athena: "Not this one." Medusa: "Just tell us what you want. I'm tired of looking at this stupid turnip field." With one of her hooves, she kicked a stray turnip. She was sure it squeaked in protest. Athena: "The very future of the world depends on you! You must travel to Ethiopia and save someone from the wrath of Poseidon! If Poseidon has his way, the future could be damaged and whole Narratives would be altered. Are you up to the task!?" Perseus: "Sounds kind of dangerous..." 'Athena: '"You can take the machine gun." 'Perseus: '"Then we're in!" Category:Post Category:Leg Post